Friday, August 19, 2005


There are people in this world whom I cannot stand in large doses. In fact, after about ten minutes, I must get out of those persons' proximities, or I fear I will burst or say something stupid or both. Sometimes I'm in situations where I can't get out, and I have to try my best to control my bursting.

This happens every time we visit the extended family. My brother lives in the same town as the extended family, and so I get stuck seeing him. Once you know me well, you learn that I absolutely, unequivocally, very strongly detest him. His simple presence in a room is enough to make my stomach churn. He tries to hug me and I can NOT touch him. I won't. The aversion I have to touching him is so strong that I will go to great lengths to be at least 10 feet away from him at all times. I could renumerate all the things he does that annoy me, but I won't, because it's just not worth repeating...again.

Whenever he's around I find myself saying things that are downright nasty. If anyone had been a judge of my character and judged me solely on reactions with my brother, they probably would judge me as a very nasty, hateful, and bitter person. My shame comes only because I know that I'm saying bad things, and that saying such things is a falling short of my potential.

It is unhealthy for both of us to be near each other. He gets upset at my dislike for him, and I get annoyed at his presence. When he is not in my life at all, I am much happier. He thinks we should stay close because we're family. He believes that even if a family member committed murder, another family member should go on the stand and do anything --including lying-- to get that person off the hook, simply because that person is family. I don't. I believe that if you commit murder, no matter who you are, to hell with you.

I digress.

I could also explain that my brother has social and cognitive problems, that have gone undiagnosed all his life, until the doctors found that nice little category called "Pervasive Developmental Disorder." My brother has issues. I should feel pity and excuse him for lying about me and stealing some of my stuff because of his issues. Because he "doesn't understand things the way [I] do."

I'm sick of hearing the excuses. I'm sick of being the one to accomodate.

I get extremely annoyed at my mother when she tells me that I "have to treat him better" because "he's [my] brother," because she only maintains regular contact with two of her six siblings. I do not feel that some fluke of genetics is a reason to pretend to like someone all my life and consequently be miserable because of it. I want it to stop.

I had enough of it this visit.

Today, at 7 am, I was chomping at the bit to get back to NY, back to avoiding the whole family scenario until next time I have to go down there.

At this point in time, I don't know when I'll be ready to go next.

I don't want it anymore.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Je ne sais que dire Emily . Comment expliques -tu cette répulsion que tu ressens ?
Ceci mis à part je te souhaite une bonne rentrée des classes , Madame le professeur .
Amitié à toi
Michel ( de Xanga )

August 20, 2005 4:21 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home