Tuesday, August 02, 2005

meltdown

Today it hit me.

I. am. alone.

So many stupid, little things went wrong today, and I couldn't explain them to anyone so that they'd understand. Dinner time happened, and I melted. I just couldn't take it anymore. I still can't take it.

I'm alone. There is nothing, no where, that I belong and am welcome.

I no longer have my haven with JJ in Philly. It's gone. I moved out completely, except for a bra and a couple pairs of underwear, I think. Maybe a pair of socks. (I forgot to check the hamper...)

I don't have my keys for my new place yet, so it's not really mine.

And at my parents' house, I'm welcome to visit, but it's not my home either. My room, even though everything is still in it, is no longer my sanctuary. It's my temporary guest-room, nicely furnished. And in the next few days, I have to pack it all and leave it, and never call it completely mine again.

But do you know how much comfort it brings me to know that my bra is with JJ? It's irrational how much. Craziness. I could write about the symbology of it being close to my heart, but I won't because that'll make me cry again. And I look like a blubbering mess of boogers right now anyway.

Tomorrow, I continue the purge-and-gather. and I pray and pray and pray for a strength through this. It's much harder than I thought it'd be. sigh.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Sherri said...

Oh sweetie . . . you seemed to be doing so well when we talked yesterday, it was almost too good to be true. *hugs* You will find the strength for this, because you have always found the strength for everything you have had to deal with. It's one of things I admire most about you - your resiliency, even in the face of so many things to keep you from being truly happy. Stay strong, and call me if you need me. :)

August 02, 2005 7:11 PM  
Blogger Sonja said...

Hang in there, babe. This reverberated with me tonight. A lot. I think we're all insanely, stupidly lonely more than we ever like to admit. Love to you. Hang in there. I know you will.

August 02, 2005 7:20 PM  
Blogger Jess said...

I feel compelled to share with you something I heard once, that truly warmed my heart. I can't even remember now where I first heard it.

If we are loved, even just by one person, and even if that one person happens to be our very own self, we are never truly alone. (Remember what we talked about last night - Being our own best friend.)

You, my dearest, are loved by many, many people. You may feel alone at times - we all do. But the next time you do, try to close your eyes, take a deep breath in, and think about all the people that you care about and that love you right back - JJ, me, and so on. Feel that love like a big, giant hug - and know you are not alone.

Be gentle with yourself, ok? *big hugs* I LOVE YOU.

August 02, 2005 9:29 PM  

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