Tuesday, January 24, 2006

broken.

I have felt myself breaking down in the past week or so.
Now I'm broken.
I'm at the bottom, and the trip up to the top is so. very. steep.
I am so overwhelmed that I can't even bring myself to pick up the metaphorical bike and start to walk.
I just want to go to sleep.
I don't want to wake up.
at all.
ever.

I don't want to be right now.
No matter how many good things I try to concentrate on, it doesn't matter.
I just don't want to be.

I am broken

and I sure as hell don't care about fixing myself.

I just want to sleep.

If I can't sleep,
I want to be held and loved.

But I can't have or do either.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Once a Cranie, always a Cranie.

So I'll be going back.

I got my bachelor's degree in music education from the Crane School of Music in Potsdam, NY (for those of you who don't know already). I liked it there. Sure, I bitched about it, and I swore that I'd never be ready for teaching in the real world after being there, but...

Then I went to Temple.

Thank you, Temple, for one thing: making me realize how good I had it before.

So I left Temple. I am infinitely lucky that I'm able to do this.

And then I called Crane.

Glenn Guiles, now the associate dean, once my oboe professor, got on the phone with me. And he remembered me. And he was excited to hear from me. And he listened to part of my predicament, sent me the paperwork promptly, and said that he'll look forward to seeing me in the summer. And, of course, made the obligatory three dry jokes that I actually find funny.

I am so lucky.

I know it won't be the same as it used to be. When I was there, the Commons (music school cafeteria thing) was a dark, cavernous place in which students ate. Now it looks more like a hospital cafeteria, with skylights and more space.

The green room no longer exists. I remember Thursday night jam sessions there.

Snell has non-clashing paint colors. Back when I was there, the carpet was rust-colored, the railings and doors were lime-green, and the walls in the lobby were cinderblock painted with some hybrid of dark purple and dark brown (yeccch), which was the butt of many jokes (no pun intended). Now it's pretty.

Evidently there are "posters" somewhere. I don't know where.

I wonder if the practice room that grew mushrooms still has mushrooms, or if it's been refurbished.

I'm told Andrews has a beard.

And I know it will never be the same as undergrad. I'm pretty positive the flute players are better to a degree of scariness, and that I'd never make orchestra now. People might not get it if you talk about Dr. Woy and his "dah-wahs" during clarinet tech. And I'm told Kim Wangler no longer teaches bassoon tech.

So it will be different.

But it will give me a masters degree, and I know I can count on them. Crane profs don't lie at the expense of their students. I can actually go to the dean and expect support if I think I'm being treated unfairly. Professors have regular office hours and are actually in their offices more than just their office hours.

Oh yeah, and they actually care about teaching, too.

I'm looking forward to this.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

decision.

Well, a decision was made, and,

no dog.

The idea originally came when JJ found the two pretty little girls (seen below) available as retirees from a breeding program. She thought she'd get one, and I thought it'd be awfully nice to have the other, and that way they'd get to see each other once in a while. Things were brewing along nicely, and JJ called the owner to talk to her about the doggies, and asked about coming out to see them and pick them up in person instead of having them shipped.


I can't imagine the levels of stress that must be inflicted when a dog gets shipped. I just can't think it's humane in the least.


Well, in the conversation, JJ found out that
they live in a barn (not good for min-pins. In fact, the min-pin book I have says that they should not be outdoor dogs in any circumstance).
and she got a small gut feeling that the lady was operating a...

puppy mill.

And then I looked at their stomachs in the pictures.

And then I remembered Michel's comment that they looked a little ill-at-ease.

And I felt terrible about it.

But no dog. One part of me wants to take those girls away from all that, but another part of me worries about how much work it would be to "rescue" these dogs that would never be truly ours.

Someday, I will have a doggie. Just not now.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

things are brewing...



...and I can't give any definitive answers yet, and I can't be sure about anything, and I'm scared to death to "jinx" anything, but here is a hint (or two, rather). Their names are Hope (left) and Bubbett (right).

Please send hope that at least one of them works out. I know I'm praying!

Saturday, January 14, 2006

recuperate


so I spent my very first two sick days ever.

Sometime in the wee-sma's between Wednesday and Thursday, I got SICK. I ended my 15-year no-barfing streak. :( Thursday was physically awful, but JJ was patient with me and took good care of me over the phone while I whined about how miserable I was.

I wanted to go back to school on Friday (sorta), but I was barfy once more on Thursday afternoon, so I decided not to go in. I know I probably could have gone in, but I might have relapsed. Instead I spent the day resting and feeling otherwise grumpy and bored.

Today I fully believe I'm better. I'm hungry (a good thing!), food has been kept down overnight, and other than a stuffy nose, I feel fine. The stuffy nose completely sucks, but it's also not exactly my fault.

I am also learning something lately that needs to stick into my subconscious. It's in my conscious, but I'm not sure if it's made it into the other one yet:

There are ups and downs of life, of love, of relationships, of friendships. You can't "fix" them instantaneously, and that's okay. But you do need to give them time and patience and wait them out. Things will happen the way they're supposed to. Just trust in time.

If I can beat that into my subconscious, that will be fantastic. I'm hoping I can.

Off to blow my nose and eat scrambled eggs. yum!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

cluck.

I'm sure this is entirely too irreverent for many people, and the only reason I'm giggling about this is because if I don't laugh, I'll cry, but... here goes.

Today on NPR, they reported that bird flu has been found in several children (3 of whom died).

These children are/were in

TURKEY.

So now, official people are going door-to-door, asking people to surrender their chickens.

Turkish people are resisting turning over their chickens, because the chickens are a valuable source of income.

So.

Bird flu.
in TURKEY.
and you aren't allowed to have a CHICKEN in TURKEY.

Who said God didn't have a sense of irony?

Sunday, January 08, 2006

meme from Trusty Getto

Here we go! If you want a "real" update, see the previous post.


Four jobs you’ve had in your life:

Four Movies that you would watch over and over:

  • The Wizard of Oz
  • Save the Last Dance
  • Shine
  • A Beautiful Mind

Four TV shows you love to watch:

  • NCIS
  • M*A*S*H
  • Law and Order (in all its incarnations)
  • Cold Case

Four places you have been on vacation:

  • Paris, France
  • Florida (the requisite childhood Disney extravaganza)
  • Washington, DC
  • Cincinnati, OH


Four websites you visit daily:


Four of your favorite foods:

  • "Grandpa hash" - ham hock, green beans, onions, and potatoes all stewed together into comforting goodness.
  • creme brulee
  • red wine
  • potatoes in nearly any form


Four places you would rather be right now:

  • Greensboro, NC
  • Paris, France
  • dreamland
  • somewhere pretty in the Rocky Mountains.

I am tagging:

Yesterday, the following good things happened:
  • my students overcame adverse circumstances and got a real lesson in versatility when they auditioned for the senior high all-county chorus.
  • I handled the adverse circumstances professionally and graciously, and thanked the judges profusely for their help in the problem.
  • I ate a yummy lunch at Friday's with them and laughed and had a good time.
  • I learned some new (popular) music that is waaay cool, thanks be to my students.
  • I sang Pink Floyd songs with Jeremy on the way back to school.
  • I went to church and got to sing pretty music and play my flute with John.
  • I was able to be gracious and friendly to the priest at church, whom I don't particularly love.
  • I had dinner with some friends I haven't seen in ages, thus keeping a new year's resolution. We did a cooperative dinner effort and ate delicious food. I made yummy chicken, Donnina made tasty potatoes and green beans, and John put ice cream in bowls. John also provided his house, so we let him off the hook for responsibility.
  • John fell asleep under the table while watching a movie, which made us all laugh.
  • Cinnamon the weiner dog greeted me with love and affection when I came home.
  • Two BEAUTIFUL cards from JJ were waiting for me when I got to my parents' house.
  • I got to talk to JJ for a long time, and sort out some inner stupidities of my brain. Let's hope the sorting sticks!
  • the J.Crew catalog came - perfect drooling fodder!
  • Friday was payday, so I went through the day knowing that I had money. :)

I'm trying to look at the positive, because I got super-bummed last night. Getting bummed is poisonous, and a vicious cycle. It makes even the good things seem bad.

I have so much to be thankful for. I need to keep that in mind every day.

I was *going* to add pictures, but this computer (not mine) is being quirky, so... I'm not going to after all.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

resolve.


Tis the season for resolutions, fa la la la la, la la la la!

This year, I resolve to:
  • be true to myself, and learn to like myself.
  • get back in contact with friends with whom I've lost contact, and stay in touch with them diligently. People have put up with my tendency to disappear far too long now.
  • keep my domicile and classroom neater and more orderly. They're both clean, but... cluttered. Fix that.

The first one is more of a long-term goal. I hope I can do it.

Cinnamon likes bread pudding. So does JJ.